Paste Fericit

Fie ca Lumina Divina a Sfintelor Paste sa va aduca tot ceea ce poate fi mai bun pe lume, Bunul Iisus prin jertfa lui sa-va fie alaturi toata viata, mereu viu in sufletul fiecaruia si astfel vom trai vesnic!

Bancurile de luni dimineata part XX/Monday morning jokes part XX

Atentie, postare in romana si engleza

Warning, post in romanian and english

Doua prietene se intalnesc :

- Vai , draga, ce haina frumoasa ai ! De la ce animal ?

- De la sotul meu !

Trei blonde intra intr-un bar. Sunt fericite, danseaza si canta. Tot comanda fiecare cate ceva de baut. Barmanul pana la urma, le intreaba ce sarbatoresc. Una dintre ele ii explica:

- Tocmai am terminat un puzzle si ne-a luat numai 3 luni sa terminam.

- Si ? Intreba barmanul.

- Pe cutie scria 2-4 ani !

Sotia isi suna sotul:

- Dragul meu, ai o problema…

- Ce s-a intamplat?

- Am intrat cu masina intr-un Maybach, i-am propus proprietarului sa-i achit "in natura" si el a fost de acord.

- Si care e problema mea?

- Proprietarul este gay!

Doi politisti merg pe strada si la un moment dat unul dintre ei observa o cascheta pe jos.

- Ia uite, mai, cascheta lui Popescu! La care celalalt:

- Esti prost, n-ai auzit ca si-a pierdut-o?

La ora de gramatica.

- Bula, cind cinti tu, spui "eu cint". Cind cinta fratele tau, cum spui?

- Taci dracului odata!

Doua domnisoare, la discoteca. Se apropie un tip aratos si o cere pe una dintre ele la dans. In timp ce danseaza, fata intreaba:

- Esti cam palid. De ce nu mergi mai des la soare?

- Acum am iesit de la inchisoare.

- Si de ce ai fost acolo?

- Mi-am omorat nevasta, i-am taiat capul si l-am aruncat intr-un rau. Dupa dans, fata se intoarce la prietena sa:

- Inchipuie-ti, draga, nu e insurat...

Un barbat se plimba pe o plaja din California cind se impiedica de o lampa. O ridica si o scutura de praf cind apare un duh. Duhul spuse:

- Bine, bine, m-ai eliberat din lampa. E a patra oara luna asta si m-am saturat, asa ca poti sa uiti de trei dorinte. O sa-ti indeplinesc numai una. Barbatul zise:

- Totdeauna am vrut sa merg in Hawaii, dar am rau de mare si imi e frica de avion. Imi construiesti un pod pina acolo, ca sa pot merge cu masina? Duhul incepe sa rida:

- Asta e imposibil. Gindeste-te la logistica necesara! Cum pui piloni pe fundul Pacificului? Gindeste-te cit ciment, cit otel! In nici un caz. Pune-ti alta dorinta!

Omul se gindeste un timp sa gaseasca o dorinta buna:

- Stii, am fost insurat de patru ori. Sotiile mele toate au spus ca sint un nesimtit si un insensibil. As vrea sa inteleg femeile... sa stiu ce simt ele cind nu vor sa-mi vorbeasca, sa stiu ce vor cu adevarat cind nu vor sa spuna, sa stiu ce le-ar putea face fericite...

- Vrei podul ala cu doua benzi sau cu patru?

Doua blonde:

-Auzi draga, aseara am fost cu sotul meu la o licitatie!

-Da!? Si cat ai luat pe el?...

Doua femei stau de vorba pe o banca in parc:

- Sotul meu, spune una, e un inger!

- Al meu inca mai traieste! ofteaza cealalta..

O blonda superba se duce la manastire si cere insistent sa vorbeasca cu maica stareta.

- Ce e, fata mea?

- Maica stareta, trebuie sa ma ajuti. Am pacatuit foarte tare si vreau ca Dumnezeu sa-mi ierte pacatele. Ce sa fac?

- Dar ce s-a intamplat, fata mea?

- Maica sterata, m-au violat 40 de barbati trei zile in sir. Ce sa fac ca sa-mi ierte Dumnezeu pacatele?

- Fata mea, du-te acasa si bea zeama de la 40 de lamai 3 zile si apoi intoarce-te la mine.

- Bine, maica stareta. Iti multumesc foarte mult!

Pleaca blonda, bea zeama de la 40 de lamai 3 zile consecutiv si se intoarce la manastire.

- Maica stareta, am facut ce mi-ai spus. Mi-a iertat Dumnezeu pacatele?

- Pacatele nu stiu daca ti le-a iertat, dar macar ti-a disparut ranjetul de satisfactie!

Politistul se intalneste cu zana buna care îi spune:

- Iti voi implini doua dorinte!

- As dori o halba de bere din care berea sa nu se termine niciodata!-zise politistul

Politistul primeste halba si dupa ce o bea vede ca nu se mai termina.

Bucuros isi spune a doua dorinta:

- As mai dori sa-mi dai inca o halba ca asta!

Cineva suna la usa, iar barbatul deschide. Moartea in fata lui ii spune:

- Am venit dupa viata ta! Barbatul se intoarce si-o striga pe nevasta-sa:

- Viata mea! Pe tine te cauta!

Bula in armata.

- Bula, ce este patria?

- Nu stiu.

- Esti prost. Vasile ce este patria?

- Patria este mama mea.

- Corect. Bula ce este patria?

- Patria este mam lui Vasile.

- Idiotule, patria este si mama ta, ai inteles?

- Inteles.

- Ce ai inteles?

- Ca sunt frate cu Vasile

Vine sotul acasa, iar nevasta il cerceteaza atent.

- Culmea, nu ai niciun fir de par strain pe haine! Deci mai nou ma-nseli cu o cheala!

Se apropie si il adulmeca.

- Aha, dupa ce ca e cheala, nu se da nici cu parfum!

O tipa care se plimba prin parc avea la gat un medalion din aur in forma de avion. Stand pe o banca, vede ca un tip se uita insistent la medalion, asa ca intreaba zambind:

-Va place atat de mult avionul de la gatul meu?

-Aaaaa, nu, eu ma uitam la turnurile de control de pe aeroport!

Bula intr-o zi ii spune mamei sale:

-Mama, ieri, dupa ce ai plecat, a venit o blonda buna acasa si tata a dus-o in camera si...

-Sa spui asta cand e taica-tu de fata. Trece ceva vreme si vine tatal sau acasa:

-Bula, nu ai ceva sa ii zici lu mama?

-Mama, ieri, dupa ce ai plecat, a venit o blonda buna acasa si tata a dus-o in camera si a trantit-o jos cum te-a trantit pe tine postasul!

- Vai, mă scuzaţi, am înlăturat un dinte sănătos. Acum va trebui să-l scot şi pe cel bolnav.
- Nu e nimic. Bine că nu sunteţi oftalmolog!

Întorcîndu-se de la coasă, badea Gheorghe îl vede pe Ion, cu un cercel în ureche, plimbîndu-se pe uliţă.
- Da' bine, mă, Ioane, mă, tu porţi cercel, mă?
- No, d'apăi...
- Da' bine, mă, Ioane, mă, te credeam om serios...
- No...
- Da' bine, mă, Ioane, de cînd ţi-oi pus tu cercel, mă?
- D-apăi, de cînd l-o găsit Maria în patul nostru...

La Vaslui a fost demarat programul guvernamental de acomodare la violenta domestica, destinat tinerilor casatoriti. Programul se numeste Prima Palmă..)))

Un ventriloc face o vizita la o stana, unde ciobanul e tocmai cu oile la pascut.
- Ce faci, bace?
- Uite, aice cu turma...
- Pot sa vorbesc cu cainele tau?
- Cainele nu vorbeste !
Ventrilocul se apleaca la caine:
- Ce mai faci, Azor?
- Multzam, fain. (ciobanul ramane cu gura cascata)
- Ciobanul te ingrijeste bine?
- Nu ma plang. Imi da mancare buna, nu ma bate si din cand in cand ne mai si jucam. Ciobanul sta stupefiat.
- Bace! Pot sa vorbesc cu magarul tau?
- Magarul nu vorbeste...
Ventrilocul se apropie de magar:
- Ce mai faci, magare?
- Nu ma plang. (ciobanul intra in stare de soc)
- Ciobanul se comporta bine cu tine?
- Da. Imi da fan, iar daca e vreme rea, ma baga in sura...
Ciobanul cade pe spate.
- Bace! Pot sa vorbesc cu oaia aia de langa tine?
- Apai bagaboanta aia minte de ingheatza apele!!!

Oaspetii sunt intampinati de sf. Petru, la poarta raiului:
- Bine ati venit in rai, locul fara de griji: aici nu exista servici, scoala, spitale, bani...
- HSBP ... am ajuns in Romania !

O doamnă se urcă în taxi şi îi spune taximetristului:
- Vă rog să fiţi atent că sunt mama a opt copii.
Taximetristul se întoarce şi răspunde doamnei:
- Eu să fiu atent?

ENGLISH

Two girl friends meet :
- Oh, dear , what beautiful clothes you have ! From what animal?
- From my husband !

Three blonde walks into a bar. They are happy , dancing and singing . They each order a drink . The bartender eventually , ask them what is the reason from their happines. One of them explains:
- We just finished a puzzle and it took only three months to finish .
- How come ? Asked the bartender .
- On the box was printed that is for 2-4 years !

The wife calls her husband :
- My dear , you have a problem ...
- What happened ?
- I ran with my car in a Maybach, and  I proposed to the ownerto pay for reppairs" in nature " and he agreed.
- And that 's my problem because?
- The owner is gay!

Two policemen walk down the street and at one point one of them notice a helmet on the ground.
- Look,  Smith's helmet ! Then the other:
- Are you stupid, did you hear that he lost it?

At grammar class .
- John , when you sing , you say " I sing " . When your brother sing s, you say ?
- Shut the fuck up !

Two girls at the disco . A good-looking guy is approaching and ask one of them to dance. While dancing , the girl asks:
- You look pale . Why arent you going to the sea to have a sun bath?
- I just got out of jail .
- Why were you there?
- I killed my wife and I cut off his head and threw it into a river . After the dance , the girl returns to her friend :
- Imagine , dear , he is not married ...

A man walks on a beach in California when he sees a lamp. He picks it up and dust off when a spirit appear. The spirit said :
- Okay, okay , you released from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month and I'm tired , so you can forget about three wishes . I'll give you only one . The man said :
- I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I get seasick and I 'm afraid the plane. Can you  build a bridge to there, so I can go by car ? Spirit begins to laugh :
- That's impossible. Think of the logistics required ! How do you put pillars on the bottom of the Pacific ? Think how much cement, steel and all the other things ! In any case . Put another wish !
The man thinks for a while to find a good desire :
- You know , I was married four times. All my wives said that I am a jerk and insensitive . I want to understand women ... know how they feel when they will not talk to me , you know what they really will not say when , you know what might make you happy ...
- You want that bridge with two lanes or four ?

Two blondes :
- Hey baby, last night I was with my husband at an auction !
Yes ! ? And how much did you get for him? ...

Two women standing talking on a park bench :
- My husband says one is an angel !
- Mine 's still alive ! sighs other ..

A gorgeous blonde goes to the monastery and urges to talk to Mother Superior .
- What is it, my girl?
- Mother Superior , I need your help . I have sinned greatly and I want God to forgive my sins . What to do?
- What happened to my girl ?
- Mother I was raped by 40 men three days in a row . What should I to so God will forgive my sins ?
- My daughter , go home and drink juice from 40 lemons 3 days and then come back to me.
- Well , Mother Superior . Thank you very much !
The blonde goes home and for the next 3 days he was drinking juice from 40 lemons. After that she return to the monastery .
- Mother Superior , I did what you told me . did you know if God forgave my sins ?
- I do not know if your sins were forgiven , but at least you satisfaction grin disappeared !

One cop meets good fairy who tells him :
- I will fulfill you two wishes !
- I want a mug of beer with beer tat never end ! says the Policeman
Cop gets his mug after seeing that the beer never ends .
Happy tells his second wish :
- I would like to have another mug like that!

Someone call the door and open man . Death in his face says :
- I've come for your life! The man turns and a scream at his wife:
- My Life ! She is looking for you !

John army.
- John , what is the motherland ?
- I do not know .
- You are stupid. Smith what is homeland ?
- My homeland is my mother .
- Right. John what is your country?
- My country is the mother of Smith.
- Idiot , your homeland is your mother, did you understand ?
- Got it.
- What did you understand ?
- Smith is my brother .

Husband comes home and his wife is carefully researching it .
- Ironically , there's no foreign hair on your clothes ! So you newest mistress is bald  one!
Approaching and sniffing it .
- Aha , after she's bald , she does not wear any perfume !

A girl who walks through the park have a gold locket shaped plane around the neck. Sitting on a bench, a guy stare at the medallion, so she ask him smiling :
- Do you like my airplane on my locket ?
- Well, no , I'm watching the airport control tower !

One day John tells his mother
- Mom,  yesterday after you left, came a gorgeous blonde at home and my father took her into the room and ...
- Tell this when dad comes home. After some time and his father comes home :
- John, don t you have something to say to your mother?
- Mom, yesterday after you left , came a gorgeous blonde at home and my father took her into the room and slammed it down as you do with the postman !

- Oh, excuse me , I removed a healthy tooth . Now I have to get out and the sick one .
- It's nothing. Well than God you are not a eyedoctor !

Coming home from his daily activities John sees Smith wearing an earring in his ear , walking along the street he says.
- But Smith since when do you wear a earrings?
- Well…. ...
- Smith I thought you were a serious man ...
- No …... ..
- Since when did you start wearing an earring?
- Ever since Mary found it in our bed ...

At Vaslui government was started a program to accommodate domestic violence for young married couples. The program is called First Slap .. )))

A ventriloquist make a visit to a sheepfold , where exactly when the shepherd was with his sheep .
- How do you do ?
- Here , with my flock ...
- Can I talk to your dog?
- The dog does not talk !
Ventriloquist bows to dog :
- How are you, Rex ?
- Verry good , thank you. ( shepherd has stunned )
- Is the shepherd taking good care of you ?
- I am not complain . It gives me good food, doesen t beat me and from time to time and we play. The shepherd was sitting dumbfounded .
- Can I talk to your donkey ?
- Donkey doesen't talks ...
Ventriloquist approaching donkey :
- How are you , Donkey ?
- I am not complain . ( shepherd get shocked )
- Shepherd behave s well with you?
- Yes . She gives me grass and if the weather is bad he put s me in the barn ...
Shepherd falls back .
- Can I talk to the sheep that next to you ?
- That slut, she is lying all the time !

Guests are welcomed by Sf . Peter at the gate of heaven :
- Welcome to heaven , carefree place : here there is no work, school , hospitals , money ...
- We have arrived in Romania !

A lady got into the taxi and tells the taxi driver :
- Please be aware that I am the mother of eight children.
The cabbie turns around and look s at her :
- I should be the one who is careful?

 

Vorbe de intelepciune

In decursul istoriei acestei planete au fost unii oameni care au avut cate o strafulgerare de geniu si unii care au fost pe faza sa retina aceste lucruri pentru posteritate. Mai jos aveti citeva mostre.

Lectura placuta:

 

Bancurile de luni dimineata part XVIII/Monday morning jokes part XVIII

Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza

Warning, post in romanian and english

Doua blonde stau de vorba:

- Stii, ieri mi-am facut testul de sarcina!

Cealalta, foarte curioasa, i se adreseaza:

- Si au fost grele intrebarile?

- Cat costa rochia aceea albastra?

- 100 de lei, doamna!

- Vai! Dar cea rosie?

- Vai, vai, vai!

- Mama! Am omorat cinci muste dintr-o singura lovitura! povesteste Bula. Doua erau masculi si trei femele.

- Cum ti-ai dat seama de acest lucru?

- Pai doua erau pe masa si trei pe oglinda.

Pe o alee intre blocuri, intr-un cartier, o doamna striga :

- Madam Popescu ! La un geam isi face aparitia o doamna.

- Da, draga, ce vrei ?

- Madam Popescu, sotul meu este cumva la dumneata ?

- Nu, draga !

- Madam Ionescu ! striga atunci tipa. Isi face aparitia o alta doamna.

- Ce-i draga ?

- Sotul meu este cumva la dumneata ?

- Nu, draga ! Dar ce s-a intamplat ?

- Pai, ne-am certat un pic si a plecat furios. Am fugit dupa el si cand l-am intrebat unde se duce, a raspuns: "La curve!"

Academia de politie. Examen final. Proba de fizica. Intrebare unica: "Ce este mai mare, viteza luminii sau viteza sunetului? Argumentati".

Primul politist:

- A sunetului.

- Fals, dar argumentati!

- Pai daca dau drumul la televizor, mai intii se aude ceva si-apoi se vede!

Al doilea politist:

- A luminii.

- Corect. Argumentati.

- Daca dau drumul la radio, mai intii se aprinde beculetul si apoi s-aude.

Al treilea politist, geniul grupei, tinara speranta a politiei romane:

- A luminii.

- Corect, argumentati.

- Furtuna!

- Excelent... ziceti!

- Tunet, fulger... intii vad fulgerul, apoi aud tunetul!

- Excelent, argumentati!

- Pai, permiteti sa raportez: ochii e mai in fata decit urechile!

- Unde lucrezi dumneata? intreaba politistul.

- Nicaieri. Sint somer.

- Si dumneata?

- Eu sint adjunctul dumnealui.

La scoala, invatatoarea le explica copiilor fenomenul deosebit ce va avea loc la prinz:

- Copii, astazi la ora 14 va avea loc o eclipsa de soare. Sa urmariti fenomenul cu atentie... Curios, Bula din ultima banca: - Pe ce canal?

Doi soti se opresc in statia de taxiuri. Sotul il intreaba pe soferul de taxi :

- Pana in centru , la Universitate , cat m-ar costa ?

- 15 RON ! - Si daca o luam si pe nevasta mea cu noi , atunci cat m-ar costa ?

- Tot atat ! La care barbatul, uitandu-se la nevasta sa , cu o umbra de dispret :

- Vezi ? Ti-am spus mereu ca nu valorezi nimic !

Intr-o noapte, la spital, o asistenta blonda il scoala pe pacientul care dormea un somn adanc si ii spune:

-Treziti-va, am uitat sa va dau somniferul!

- Bula, de ce nu scrii?

- Eu nu are creion, doamna.

- Nu e corect sa spui "eu nu are creion". Fii atent, se pronunta astfel: "eu nu am creion, tu nu ai creion, el nu are creion, noi nu avem creioane..."

- Dar cine dracu' a sutit toate creioanele?

Sotul pe patul de moarte:

- Iubito, trebuie sa stii ceva.

- Ce, draga?

- Te-am inselat cu fata de la magazinul de bijuterii.

- Stiu, iubitule, de-aia te-am otravit.

La un bar, discuta doua blonde trecute de prima tinerete:

- Vezi pe cei doi barbati de acolo? Ei bine, cel din dreapta este sotul meu, cel din stanga este amantul meu.

- Ce ciudat... La mine este exact invers!

Doi politisti merg pe strada si la un moment dat unul dintre ei observa o cascheta pe jos.

- Ia uite, mai, cascheta lui Popescu! La care celalalt:

- Esti prost, n-ai auzit ca si-a pierdut-o?

Un preot explica la ora de religie:

- Dumnezeu l-a creat pe Adam, iar cu o coasta din Adam a creat-o pe Eva.

- Parinte, zice Bulisor, dar tata spune ca ne tragem din maimute.

- Auzi, zice preotul plictisit, cazul familiei tale nu ma intereseaza. Eu vorbeam in general.

Sotia: Iubitule... Ce faci?

Sotul: Nimic.

Sotia: Nimic? Pai de-o ora tot studiezi certificatul nostru de casatorie.

Sotul: Cautam data expirarii

Doua blonde cautau prin padure un brad de Craciun.

Dupa o zi intreaga de stat in frig, una dintre ele ii spune celeilalte:

- Auzi, n-ar fi mai bine sa luam unul asa, fara globuri?

Bula lipseste trei zile de la scoala si cand vine, invatatoarea il intreaba:

- Bula,de ce ai lipsit?

- Pai, a murit bunica, a calcat-o tractorul pe deget.

- Dar, Bula, din asta nu se moare.

- Stiu, dar il avea in nas.

Bula mai lipseste trei zile.

-Bula, de ce ai lipsit iar? il intreaba invatatoarea.

- A murit mama, a calcat-o tractorul.

Bula mai lipseste trei zile.

- Bula, de ce ai lipsit?

- Acum a murit tata, l-a calcat tractorul

- Dar, tu Bula, ce faceai in timpul asta?

- Ma plimbam cu tractorul.

Intr-un club de club de noapte un tip invita o domnisoara la dans iar cand dansul s-a terminat, a sarutat-o patimas. Tipa a fugit imediat la masa, si-a scos telefonul din geanta si a inceput sa tasteze ceva foarte rapid. Tipul, surprins, o intreaba:

- Ce s-a intamplat? Ceva urgent?

- Nu, nu, stai linistit. Imi schimb statusul pe facebook.

Un barbat spala vasele. Fiul sau se apropie si-l intreaba:

- Taticule, ce este acela un „bigam”?

- Pai, dragul meu, este un idiot care spala de doua ori mai multe vase decat mine.

Ora 23.57. Intr-o intersectie se intalnesc doi politisti. Unul din ei aprinde o tigara, trage din ea si tace. Al doilea dupa un timp de tacere spune catre primul:

– Ba! Tu stii care este capitala Angliei?

– Da! Paris. De ce?

– Credeam ca nu stii!

- Bula, de ce plingi? intreaba mama lui.

- Pentru ca vecinul nu se joaca decat cu tine!

O doamna intra la farmacie si ii cere farmacistului arsenic. Farmacistul intreaba:

- Doamna, la ce va trebuie arsenicul?

- Pentru ca sa-l omor pe sotul meu!

- Doamna, nu pot sa va vand arsenic pentru acest motiv, imi pare rau, spune farmacistul. Atunci doamna scotoceste in poseta si scoate o fotografie cu sotul ei care facea dragoste cu sotia farmacistului. Acesta se uita la fotografie si spune:

- Ah, scuzati-ma, n-am stiut ca aveti reteta.

Un barbat suna la pompieri si zice speriat:

- Domnule, soacra mea vrea sa se arunce de la etaj!!

- Si care e problema?

- Nu se deschide fereastra!

Doi politisti discuta:

- De ce iti pui copilul sa doarma pe dulap?

- Data trecuta a cazut din pat si n-am auzit.

La teatru, unde se joaca o piesa politista, o spectatoare sare in sus, strigind:

- Unde este ucigasul? La care o voce din spatele ei ii da replica:

- In spatele dumitale, daca nu te asezi imediat!

ENGLISH

Two blondes are talking :

- Yesterday I took a pregnancy test !

The other , very curious and addresses :

- And And the questions were hard?

- How much is that blue dress  ?

- 100 euro , lady !

- Auch! The red one?

- Auch!!Auch!!Auch!!!!

- Mom! I killed five flies in one shot ! says John . Two were males and three females .

- How do you figure this?

- Well two were on the table and three on the mirror .

In an alley between buildings , in a neighborhood , a lady is crying

- Madam Smith ! A window is opening and lady appear.

- Yes , dear , what do you want?

- Madam Smith, my husband is with you?

- No, darling !

- Madam Black ! scream then the same lady again . Another lady made an appearance .

- What is it dear ?

- My husband is with you?

- No, darling ! But what happened ?

- Well, we argued a bit and went mad. I ran after him and when I asked him where he was going , replied, " To the whores ! "

Police Academy . Final exam . Physical class - single question : " Witch speed is bigger, the speed of light or the speed of sound ? Explain " .

First cop :

- The speed of sound.

- False, but let s hear the explication !

- Well if I turn on the TV , I first hear the sound and after that the immage!

The second officer :

- The speed of  light.

- Right. Explain.

- When you turn on the radio, at first the indicator light comes turns green and then I heard the sound .

The third officer , group genius:

- The speed of light.

- Right, explaint.

- Storm !

- Excellent ... continue !

- Thunder , Lightning ... first you see the lightning and then you hear the thunder !

- Excellent , explain !

- Well , eyes are before the ears  !

- Where are you working ? asks the cop .

- Nowhere. I am unemployed .

- And you?

- I am a gentleman assistant .

At school , the teacher explained to them the solar eclipse that will take place at lunch :

- Children , today at 14 will be a solar eclipse . This rare phenomenon has to be watch carefully ... Curiously, John, in the last bank asks :

- On what channel ?

The husbant stops a taxi on the road .He asks the taxi driver :

- From here to downtown at the university , how much would it cost ?

- 15 Euro ! - And if we take my wife with us then how much would it cost

- The same! At this point the man looks at his wife with a shade of contempt :

- See ? I've always said that are not worth anything!

One night at the hospital , a blonde nurse woke up a patient deep sleeping and says :

- Wake up , I forgot to give you your sleeping pill !

- John , why are you not writing ?

- Me don t  have any pencil , ma'am.

- It's not right to say " I do not have pencil " . Be careful, the corect form is " I do not have a pencil,  you do not have a pencil, they don t have a pencil."

- But who the hell stoled  all the pencils ?

Husband on his deathbed :

- Baby , you should know something.

- What, dear ?

- I cheated with the girl at the jewelry store .

- I know, dear , that's why I poisoned you .

At one bar, two blondes well past over their first youth talk:

- See those two men there? Well, at the right is my husband , and on the left is my lover .

- How strange ... To me it is exactly the opposite !

Two policemen walk down the street and at one point one of them notice a helmet on the ground.

- Look , John, Smith's helmet ! On the other:

- How could you be so stupid, didn t you hear that he lost it?

A priest explains at religion :

- God created Adam and from  a coast of Adam created Eve .

- Father , says John , but my dad says that we evolved from apes .

- Listen, says priest bored, I don t care about your family, I was talking in general.

Wife: Honey ... What are you doing ?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing? Well for the last hour you study our marriage certificate.

Husband: I am looking for the expiration date!!

Two blondes were looking in a forest  for a Christmas tree .

After a full day, tired and cold , one of them says to the other :

- Hey , I think we should take one with out the decoration ?

John is missing three days of school and when comes the teacher asks :

- John why did  you missed school?

- Well, my grandma died , a tractor run over her finger.

- But, John , you can t die from something like this .

- I know, but her finger was in the nose.

Few days later John is missing again three days.

- John , why did  you missed school this time? asks the teacher .

- My mothe died she was crashed by the tractor.

Few days later John is missing again three days

- John why did  you missed school this time? asks the teacher

- Now my dad died, a tractor hit him.

- But, John , what were you doing in that time ?

- I was driving the tractor .

In a club nightclub one guy invites a girl to dance and when the dance was over, he kissed her passionately . The girl immediately ran to the table, he pulled the phone out of the bag and began to type something quickly. The guy , surprised, asks :

- What happened ? Something urgent?

- No, no, do not worry . I change my status on Facebook .

A man washes the dishes. Son approaches him and asks:

- Daddy, what is a " bigamist " ?

- Well, my dear , is an idiot who is washing twice more dishes than me.

Time 23.57 . In an intersection two policemen meet . One of them lights a cigarette , pull out of it and shut up . After a time of silence the first says :

- Do you know which is the capital of England?

- Yes ! Paris. Why?

- I though you didn t know !

- Bula , why are you weeping ? asks his mother.

- Because the neighbor is not playing than you!

A lady entering the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for arsenic. The pharmacist asks:

- Madam, what do you need arsenic for ?

- Because I want to kill my husband !

- Lady , I can not sell you arsenic for this reason , I'm sorry , says pharmacist . The lady pull out a photo from her bag in witch her husband was making love to pharmacist wife and show s it to him He looked at the photo and says:

- Ah , excuse me , I didn t know that you have a prescription.

A man calls the fire department and says scared :

- Sir, my mother wants to jump from her flatt located at the 12 floor !

- And what's the problem ?

- The window is not oppening !

Two policemen talks :

- Why did you  put your baby to sleep on the closet?

- Last time he fell out of bed and I did n heard him.

At the theater, actors plays a mistery play. At one moment a spectator jumps up , shouting :

- Where is the killer ? A voice behind him says :

- Right behind you, if you don t sit down right now !

Bancurile de luni dimineata part XVII/Monday morning jokes part XVII

Atentie postare in limba romana si engleza

Warning, post in romanian and english

La o sectie de politie este adusa o femeie care a trecut pe rosu. Politistul de serviciu incepe sa o interogeze:
-Numele?
-Adela P.
-Virsta?
-28 de ani.
-Ocupatia?
-Invatatoare.
Politistul se ridica de la masa, zambeste fericit si ii spune:
-Minunat! Am asteptat aceasta ocazie o viata intreaga. Acum va asezati pe scaunul acesta si scrieti de 2.000 de ori, cu o caligrafie perfecta :
"Daca semaforul este rosu, trecerea este interzisa!"

Merg trei politai cu elicopterul.La un moment dat unul il intreaba pe celalalt:
- Auzi ba, de la ce e elicea aia de deasupra?
- Cred ca de la ventilatie ba, ca de cand s-a oprit uite ce transpira pilotu`!!!

Bula merge sa dea la facultatea de drept.
El merge imbracat frumos, la palarie si costum nou, iar acolo politistul ii spune ca ptr.a deveni politist trebuie sa aiba curaj, si dintr-o data scoate pistolul si-l impusca in palarie. Bula sta neclintit la care politistul il felicita ptr. curajul lui:
- Bravo, Bula, asa trebe sa fie un politist adevarat. Poftim niste bani ptr. palarie.
-Da, domn' politist, ptr. panataloni nu-mi dati?

Un englez, un francez, un roman si un ungur se aflau intr-o barca ce urma sa se scufunde.
Cei 4 decid sa traga la sorti care sa se arunce in apa si sa ii scape pe ceilalti.
Ghinionu cazu asupra englezului.
Acesta zise "Long live the king" si se arunca in apa.
Cei ramas observara ca barca tot se scufunda.
Veni randul francezului sa se arunce.Acesta zise "Vive la France" si se arunca.
Barca se tot scufunda!
Ghinionul cazu pe roman.Acesta zise "Traiasca Romania Mare" si ii facu branci ungurului!

Intr-un autobuz suprapus plecau mai multi politisti intr-o aplicatie.
S-au asezat ofiterii jos, iar subofiterii sus. Pe drum ofiterii se distrau: bancuri, bauturi... La subofiteri liniste mare.
Dupa vreo ora de mers un ofiter urca sa vada ce fac subofiterii de e asa liniste.
- Ce aveti ma de nu scoateti o vorba?
- Da, voua va convine sa va distrati ca aveti sofer, dar noi...

Un politai inalt ( ca bradu' ) , cu mustacioara , vorbeste cu un pusti:
- Mai tancule iti place mustata mea?
- Da nene.
- Mai tincule , da' tie iti place cascheta mea?
- Da nene.
- Pai vad ca tie ti-ar place sa fii politai , nu-i asa ?
- Da , nene , dar e prea tarziu.
- Cum asa , mai ai atata timp...
- Nu , nene , e prea tarziu , am trecut deja clasa a cincea...

Q: Cum determini dintr-un grup de politai pe cel mai idiot ?
A: Iei unul la intamplare ...

La gabori, alt concurs de promovare. Vine in sala primul candidat.
Exminatorul il intreaba:
- Cat face 5*5?
- 24!
- Ba esti sigur ba?
- 26!
- Ba, mai gandeste-te!
- 27!
Examinatorul noteaza in fisa: "Nu stie dar nu se da batut". Urmatorul:
- Cat face 6*6?
- 30!
- Esti sigur?
- Da, 30!
- Chiar esti sigur?
- Da dom'le, 30!
Examinatorul noteaza: "Nu stie, dar este un om cu principii". Ultimul:
- Cat face 9*9?
- 81!
- Cum ai stiut?
- De la scoala!
- Cum ma, de la scoala? Pai si ceilalti au fost la scoala!
- Da, de la scoala!
Examinatorul noteaza in fisa: "Stie dar nu vrea sa spuna de unde"!

- Poate o femeie sa-l faca pe un barbat milionar?
- Da, daca el e miliardar.

DE CE STAU TIGANII CU GEMUL INCHIS LA MASINA?
EI CRED CA MIROSUL VINE DE AFARA.

Stii ce a zis elefantul cand a vazut
un barbat in pielea goala?
-Cum naiba va manca cu trompa asta?

I: Ce-i mai bun la laptele de mama?
R: Ambalajul !

Ce spune gaina cand fuge cocosul dupa ea ?
-Oare nu fug prea repede ?

Q:Care este cel mai asemanator lucru cu ciclul unei femei ?
A:Salariul barbatului:vine o data pe luna, tine 3-4 zile si daca nu vine, esti terminat !!

TREI COPII LA MATERNITATE, DOUA FETITE SI UN BAIAT
BAIATUL: VOI SUNTETI FETITE EU SUNT BAIAT, STITI CE FAC BAIETII CU FETITELE?
FETITELE: NU NOI NU STIM SUNTEM PREA MICI, DAR TU DE UNDE STII CA ESTI BAIAT?
BAIETELUL ISI RIDICA PATURICA SI SPUNE: "TATAM, TATAM, AM CIORAPEII ALBASTRI ! "

Ion se intalneste cu un matematician, un economist si un contabil si-i intreaba:
- Cat fac unu si cu unu?
Matematicianul ii raspunde:
- Exact doi.
Economistul raspunde
- Poate doi.
Contabilul se uita in stanga si in dreapta si spune in soapta:
- Cat vrei sa faca?

Cum s-a numit soacra lui Aadam ?
- Adam nu a avut soacra. El traia in Paradis.

- STITI DE CE BARBATII NU AU INCREDERE IN FEMEI?
- CUM SA AI INCREDERE IN CINEVA CARE SANGEREAZA TIMP
de 5 ZILE LUNAR SI TOTUSI NU MOARE...

- Ce este un barbat frumos, inteligent si sentimental?
- Un zvon!

Daca inotul ajuta la slabit, atunci unde gresesc balenele?

I:Daca atunci cand mergi cu masina iti apar in fata o baba si un porc,ce calci mai intai?
R:Frana.

-Parca v-am mai vazut pe undeva???
-Aveti dreptate, trec foarte des pe acolo.

- De ce uraganele poarta nume de femeie?
- Pentru ca, asemeni femeilor, la inceput sunt calde si umede si dup-aia iti iau casa si masina!

- Stiti care este cea mai mare pedeapsa pentru un BIGAM ?
- Sa aiba 2 SOACRE !!!

Intrebare: Ce e rosu si vine regulat?
Indiciu: Vine daca esti cuminte!
Raspuns: Mos Craciun!!!

ENGLISH

At a police station is brought a woman who ran a red light . The officer begins to question service :
- Name
- Adela P.
- Age ?
-28 Years.
- Occupation ?
- Teacher .
Policeman stands at the table , happy smiles and says :
Wonderful ! I waited a lifetime for this occasion . Now sit on this chair and write 2,000 times , with perfect penmanship :
" If the traffic light is red , the transition is forbidden ! "

Three police fly with a  helicopter.At one time one asks the other:
- Hey dude,  what is that propeller above us ?
- I think is the ventilation system , ever since it stopped the pilot is sweating ' big time !

John going to take an exam to enter at law school .
He goes all dressed up, with hat and suit again, there a cop tells him that in order to become a cop he must have courage, and suddenly pulls out his gun and shoots him in the hat . John stand firm and then police for congratulates. his courage :
- Bravo , John , you have what it takes to be a  real cop . Here's some money for your hat.
- Yes , Sir ' but can you give me some money for my pants too???

An englishman , a frenchmen , a romanian and a hungarian were in a boat that was to sink.
The four decide to draw straws to dive and to save others.
First time the bad luck fell upon the Englishman .
He said "Long live the queen " and jumps in the water.
The remaining observ that the boat is still sinking.
The second  time the bad luck fell upon the Frenchman 's. He sais " Vive la France " and jumps in to the watter .
The boat is still sinking !
Misfortune fell on romanina at  This one screms " Viva Romania Mare" and push the hungarian in the water !

In a 2 level bus a bunch policeman are traveling .
On the lower level  sat down the  officers and the new recruit upstairs. On the way officers had fun : jokes , drinks ... but upstairns great calm .
After some time an officer walked up to see why are the new recruit so quiet.
- What happened that  your are soo quiet?
- Well sir is fine four you downstairs because you have a driver but we don t

A very tall policeman is talking to a kid :
- Tell litle boy do you like my mustache ?
- Yes sir .
- Do You like my helmet ?
- Yes sir .
- Well I see that You'd like to be a cop , right ?
- Yes , sir , but it's too late for me.
- How so , you have so much time ...
- No, sir , it's too late , I already passed in the fifth grade ...

Q : How do you determine who is the idiot in  a group of cops?
A: You take one at random ...

At policeman at promotional contest . In the room enters the first candidate .
Exminatorul asks :
- How much is 5X5 ?
- 24!
- You 're sure ba ?
- 26 !
- Oh , think again !
- 27!
The examiner notes in the text : "He doesen t know but he doesen t  give up ." Next :
- How much is 6X6 ?
- 30 !
- Are you sure ?
- Yes , 30 !
- Are you really sure?
- Yes sir, 30 !
Examiner writes : "He doesen t  know , but is a man of principle ." latest:
- How much is 9X9 ?
- 81 !
- How did you know?
- From school!
- How come from school? Well the others were at school!
- Yes , at school !
The examiner notes in the text : " He knows but he does not want to say where " !

- Can a woman make a man a millionaire ?
- Yes , if he's a billionaire first!!

Why gypsies drive with the window closed in a car ?
They believe that the smell comes from outside.

You know what the elephant  said when he saw
a naked man for the first time?
How the hell would you eat with such a small proboscis ?

Q: What's the best thing about mother 's milk ?
R : Wrapping !

What does a chicken thinks when is chased by the  rouster ?
- Am I running too fast?

Q : What is the most similar thing to a woman's cycle ?
A : The man salary : comes once a month , lasts for 3-4 days and if is not coming you're finished !

Three children, maternity , two girls and a boy
Boy : I am boy you are girls , Do you know what boys do with little girls?
Girls : No we do not know, we are too small, but how do you know that you are boy ?
Boy lifted his blanket and says " I got blue stocking!!

John meets a mathematician , an economist and an accountant and ask them :
- What is the result of 2X2??
The mathematician responds,
- Exactly two .
The economist reply
- Maybe two .
Accountant looked left and right and says in a whisper :
- How much do you want to do?

What was Aadam 's mother in law named ?
- Adam had no mother in law . He lived in Paradise.

- Do you know why men do not trust women?
- How can you trust someone who is bleeding
5 days month and doesen t die ...

- What is a man who is  handsome , intelligent and sentimental?
- A rumor !

If swimming helps weight loss , then where whales go wrong ?

Q: If you are driving with the car when and in front of you appear an old woman and a pig what do you hit first ?
R : The breakes.

- I thought I seen you somewhere ? ?
- You are right , I go there often .

- Why hurricanes wear woman's name ?
- Because , like women , are warm and wet at first and then they are taking you home and car !

- Do you know what is the biggest punishment for bigamy ?
- To have 2 in-law !

Q: What's red and comes regularly?
Hint: if you're good !
Re: Santa Claus !